Finding love again

A friend and I were chatting yesterday, and I was talking about how often I fail to make time each day that is JUST for God.  Sure, I'm always talking to Him, but it's while I'm doing other things.  I had heard God say 'first fruits" the other day.  I told my friend I felt God was asking me to spend time with him before I move into the rest of my day.  My friend then challenged me to send him a text every morning with one of the verses I read that morning.  Being a text, it would have a timestamp for accountability.  Little did I know what this would lead to when I got up at 4:00 the first morning to sit down with God.

            In the process, I found an old journal entry on my computer (the only one I had on my computer since I normally journal in my actual physical journal.)  The following is my journal entry I found that was from almost three years ago, followed by an update from this morning.

September 4th, 2022

Finding Love Again…

            Reading a title like this, you might be thinking I'm talking about a new relationship, or maybe even how to love myself again.  But in reality, I'm talking about finding love for others.  This is going to be a long read, but let me explain…

            I started the day as I always do, at my computer, busy working on files to deliver to my clients.  For almost seven years I have done the same thing, ran my own business, and admittedly turned into a self-made workaholic.  After years of struggling financially after my divorce, with three young children to raise at that time, I had finally achieved what I thought was a comfortable lifestyle.  The problem is that I have allowed myself little time to connect with God.  Sure, I still spend time in Scripture and prayer but not like I should.  And even those things are not completely focused.  As our pastor pointed out today, being knowledgeable about the Scriptures isn't the same as a relationship with Jesus Christ.

            For years, I allowed myself to make every excuse in the book for why I didn't attend church anymore, after previously attending for the first 35 years of my life consistently and involved in multiple ministries.  Excuses ranged from, "I'm too busy," to, "I don't need to be in a church building to connect with God." It wasn't due to a lack of belief.  In fact, the older I've gotten, the more solidified my beliefs have become.  It was simply me allowing everything else in my life to take priority over attending church.

            I've been attending Hopeland Church the past month or so, which is led by the children of a dear friend of mine who passed away nine years ago.  I can walk in and feel like family and feel like I belong.  Despite this, I was having that same internal debate this morning between staying home and working or getting ready to go to church.  I decided that I had too much work to do and had even texted my son to tell him I wouldn't be there today.

            The longer I worked, and the closer we got to service time, I felt God continually prodding me.  I couldn't get past the sense that I needed to go.  Finally, only ten minutes before worship was to start, I made the decision to get ready to go.  Let me tell you, that was probably the fastest shower I have ever taken.  With wet hair and a face completely free of any makeup or attention, I rushed out the door.  I knew I would miss most of worship, but at least I would be there for the sermon.

            I walked in as the last few people were going through the line for communion.  I quickly joined the line and picked up the elements and tried to calm my spirit to focus on what I was doing.  As a church body we took our communion and worshipped together for a final song before the message.  After that song, I took a seat to settle in for whatever Pastor Chris Allen and God had in store for us today.  I never imagined that God had set me up to be broken today, but in the best way.

            The sermon was about being connected to God through love for others, what true love means, and how it differs from simply compassion.  I felt the message was spot on and very impactful.  As I listened to the message, I chuckled at many of the animated examples and nodded in agreement with what was being said.  What I didn't expect was for Chris to use an example that was literally out of my life.

            He was talking about the difference between love and compassion, and how compassion might be something like being a kid and giving your extra lunch money to another kid who was hungry and who didn't have any lunch money.  But taking that a step further, love would be giving up your lunch money so someone else didn't go hungry even if it meant you would.  True love requires sacrifice and putting the needs of others above your own.

            As a child, my grandparents always took me to church, and I rode the church bus to the weekly kids' church on Thursday nights.  God had his hand on me from a very young age, and my heart was completely in tune with His.  When the other kids were on the playground playing ball, or on the swings, I was sitting off to the side sharing the gospel and walking those who would listen through the sinner's prayer.  But in addition, I WAS that kid that would give up my lunch money and go hungry because I couldn't stand to see someone else hungry.  Many times, I came home hungry and got in trouble because I gave away my lunch money.

            Fast forward 35 to 40 years and life has taken its toll.  It seems as we age, we go through life experiences, traumas, difficult times, all of which make us maybe a bit more cynical, untrusting, and ultimately less loving.  Of course, there are always exceptions, such as those people who seem to never lose their belief in humanity.  But even those folks are prone to getting distracted from God like the rest of us from time to time.

            As I sat in my chair today listening to God speak through Chris, I actually had to get up and go out to the lobby for a bit because God was touching my heart so powerfully that I thought I might burst into tears in the sanctuary.  He was reminding me what my true nature was and what He created me to be.  As a kid I simply allowed His love to flow through me without any regard for "protecting" myself.  The challenge now is to focus on Him, love others unconditionally, and trust Him to protect me.  I can't keep letting the things that surround me in daily life and those wounds from the past get in the way of being the light I was intended to be.

            In today's world, with the political climate what it is, along with the shaking going on like we've never seen, it can be hard not to become cynical or feel less than loving.  I have a great sense of shame for allowing myself to let the noise of the world make me less loving towards others.  It's not to say as Christians we can't disagree with others or even share with them what Jesus taught regarding a certain subject, but we must always do it from a point of love and humility.  We need to trust Him to be that buffer and stop trying to do it ourselves.

            Too often I think we let pride get in the way of true love.  And maybe it's not even pride, but a sense of needing to defend ourselves or our stance for the purpose of self-preservation.  But that's not our job.  If we were being humble, we would set aside our pride, our fears, or anything else that gets in the way of loving others.  We are not called to be judge or jury, or condemn others for their sins, but instead we are called to witness.  This means simply giving an account of what God has done in our lives and letting Him take it from there.

            That is one reason for me sharing my journey today.  I want to witness to others that even if you allow yourself to get distracted, and even if you have not done a good job of making your relationship with Him a priority, He is still there, and He is still speaking, if you'll simply listen.  The other reason for sharing this is to make sure I have kept a record of what God was saying to me in order to remind myself to stay focused on Him.  He should be the top priority above everything else.  We all need to pay bills, and of course the Bible warns against idle hands, but God should be first.  Period.

            When I arrived at church today, I said hi to my son, and told him I changed my mind and decided to come after all, that work could wait.  He said something along the lines of, "That's the way it should be; God is more important."  I couldn't have said it better, Zachary.  It really puts things in perspective when your kids call you out on your priorities.  After all, I raised him to make God a priority, yet I was failing to do so.

            Anyhow, I just want to thank God for persisting this morning until I finally decided to walk away from my computer to head to church.  And I want to thank Pastor Chris for teaching a truly inspired message.  God had something personal in store for me today, and I almost missed it.

            Moral of the story - don't let the things of this world get in the way of what God has for you!!

May 8th, 2025 Update

            After getting up and doing devotions this morning I felt like God gave me a business idea that I will share at another time.  I normally journal in a physical journal, but I felt like I had too much info in my head and needed to get it down quickly, so I decided to type it out.  When I went to save it on my computer I found I already had a folder titled "Journal", and that folder had exactly one file, which was the entry you just read above.  God is so good.

            He has been faithful to speak to me and to confirm what I am hearing on a quite regular basis.  Part of the business idea is about remembering that God is always speaking to us if we will just be still and listen.  And in this one entry that I had from almost 3 years ago, I was shocked to see the words, "He is still there, and He is still speaking."  Again, God is so faithful.  Finding this one typed-out journal entry, almost three years later, with the same point, is confirmation that what I heard from Him this morning is exactly where He wants to take me.  I look forward to what He has planned for me.